neglected by doctors and suffering

[shell]

Hello to all who understand my plight. You will have forgive me i can only write in english. I live in the usa.

I became seriously ill eight months ago at the young age of 36. I had always been healthy and athletic. I had a wonderful life. When i became sick it was very intense and sudden. The doctors treated me as if i was a hypocondriac. They ran a few tests all just to appease me. They were way off base as to a possible diagnosis. Now i am very close to a diagnosis and my new doctor thinks i may have systemic vasculitis that has damaged many organs in my body. Most obviously my kidneys. It will still take a while to get a full diagnosis and treatment. I truly beleive it is to late for me to recover fully and i will be in extremely ill health for my remaining years. I have extreme loss of appetite, fatigue, dizziness, muscle loss, buring pain in my limbs, difficluty breathing, poor digestion, heart palpitations and the list goes on and on. i can't walk very well or drive at all. I am practically bedridden. Although, if i received the news that i was terminal i would find a way apply and travel. It would be like climbing Mt. Everest.

I sat by my fathers bedside and watched him die at the age of 50 from lymphoma. He suffered for two years. I beleive he was kept as comfortable as possible but was dillusional most of the time from so much morphine. They won't give me any pain meds a this point so i've been suffering for 8 months with no releif in sight.

I am here because i find comfort in knowing that this organization exists, Even if i am unable to utilize it. I am at least able to dream of the possibility. When i read about those who have chosen this way, i feel a sense of unity with those who have gone. I know they are the ones who have been in my position knowing that there is only suffering ahead. The worst part is knowing that there is so much beautiful life to live and i can't have any of it. I feel trapped because i have no means or courage at this point to try to take my own life. I can only wish that i will not wake up in the morning. Not only am i being denied the right to die but i have been denied the right to know that i am possibly dying. Even though much of my medical lab work indicates that there is something seriously wrong going on in my body, i won't be taken seriously until i am in the hospital with a stroke, heart attack or somthing of that nature. I feel only 10 percent alive and do not wish to continue this way and yet i am afraid either way.
I'm sure there are many out there who know exactly how i feel.
Thank you for your time in reading my post.
PS. I can use my online translator if anyone replies in a language other than english even though it is not always accurate i can usually make it out.